Saturday, August 10, 2013

The Impending Demise of "I"

When is a relationship with somebody else more important than having a relationship with oneself?  How deep do you allow yourself to fall in love before you lose yourself?

Our egos work overtime when we fall in love.  Egos are fed by fear and one of the scariest experiences is allowing oneself to fall in love.  When you fall in love, you allow yourself to separate from who you truly are; you act in a way that is not quite authentic.  We've all done it.  "Yeah babe, I like sushi," "Sure honey, we can go see the horror movie," and the infamous, "Of course I like your friends."  Your ego does some of it's best work when you feel as if you have to pretend.  Pretending or allowing yourself to only "put your best foot forward" leaves room for your ego to convince you that your authentic self is not good enough. 

When you fall in love- truly in love, you find that someone who doesn't need to compete with you.  You see yourself in their eyes and start to feel the "We Factor."  The "We Factor" occurs when you start speaking in "We" rather than "I"... We went shopping, we want to see that movie, we are having chicken for dinner, we paid the bills.  The "We Factor" kicks that ego into high alert.  The alarms sound, the ego sends its accomplices out with the life rafts and shoots off the flares!  Run individual self... RUN!  Your happy little self is falling so in love that it doesn't see the impending demise of "I."

You are now becoming a we.  You are now his girlfriend, his lady, his wifey, blah, yuck, blah.  In becoming a we you are locking your you in a closet- creating a claustrophobic disaster of what could have been a beautiful relationship.

So how do we prevent this?  How do we look at a relationship as a healthy partnership rather than the impending demise of individuality?

Maintain your pre-relationship relationships.  If you and your best friend go to Happy Hour every Thursday night, continue this tradition.  Communicate to your partner that your individual well-being depends upon maintaining some of the regularity of your "I World."  If your partner meets up with his friends every Sunday afternoon and watches football- ensure that he continues this!  It will help your relationship in the long run.  Do not allow yourself to fall in love with the idea of love- just fall in love.  Falling in love because you love the security, companionship, and sense of belonging is not being in love- it is an infatuation with feeling complete.  You can not feel complete or make anybody else feel complete until you realize that you as an individual complete yourself.


  1. I agree, no one can "heal" us or make us complete. We have to do that ourselves. Jerry Maguire's a liar! ;) Thanks for stopping by my blog. Off to check out your facebook page. Have a great weekend!

  2. I know that when I really fell in love with my David, I could be myself totally... not be judged... now we are only friends but we are best friends, he is there for me and I am there for him... we can be ourselves with each other and not worry that the other will say something about it.