Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Waves Let Us Lead

I want the freaks, the nerds, the rebels, the gypsies, the not-so-serious-serious ones, the "others." I seek them, I need them, I feel them. They are my tribe. I want the ones who watch me dance with the waves and join me in my thrashing. My tribe consists of the wanderers and the grounded- some induce tears and others induce joy. My tribe is fluid and flexible... they pull me out of the dark. My tribe loves me unconditionally and I love them. We are a fluid and chaotic tribe, all in one.

I have always been a deep thinker, an old soul if you will. I have always wondered "Why?" and contemplated the meaning of life and what happens in the end. I was always revered as a highly intelligent child with a curious mind but as I got older, this reverence became annoyance. I was considered nosy rather than curious, a bother rather than a blessing. You see, children with contemplative minds who are intuitive and emotional are rarely understood.

I struggled in my adolescence. I was a bit of this and a bit of that. I never had a tribe. I was a bit too cautious to be a cool kid and too uncoordinated to be a jock. I was too smart to be a stoner and not smart enough to be a nerd. I tried to hide my love of philosophy and reading and I tried to care about who was dating who and who had lost their virginity on prom night. I tried to pretend to fit into the small talk world where popularity, cup size, and varsity football games were more important than art and deep conversations. This world was the world where hot boyfriends and designer jeans could make or break you, there was just one problem... it was not my world. I could not find my tribe so I chose to float. I floated like a birthday balloon high above the world of yearbooks and prom and virginity. I floated to be invisible and I floated to be forgotten.

If I had learned to love myself sooner I would have found my tribe sooner. My tribe is weird and funny and serious and lovely. My tribe has a gypsy, a bookworm, a wanderer, a fortune teller, a mermaid, and a muse. We coexist and compliment, drink coffee and drive. We are happy and holistic, melancholy and melodic. We ebb and we flow. We are weaved together by the consequences of our existence and it is those consequences that make us so beautiful.

My tribe dances with the waves and the waves let us lead.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

YSL Black Opium

Well, it's been a while but I HAD to take this opportunity to tell all of you about my newest obsession... Yves Saint Laurent Black Opium perfume. I received it in my most recent Influenster VoxBox and it is the SHIZZ!!

Black Opium has base notes of coffee and vanilla and hints of white flowers. Trust me when I say that this makes an intoxicating blend. Absolutely intoxicating.

The scents blend perfectly and last a really long time without overpowering.

And do NOT get me started on this bottle!!!! ;-)


Sunday, March 29, 2015

Not OK

It is not ok that our children know who Kim Kardashian is but can not tell us who Malala Yousafzai is and what she has accomplished.

It is not ok that our children can teach us how to connect to wifi but cannot catch a fish or purify their own water.

It is not ok that children do not have to earn an allowance but wear Jordans and Louis Vuitton to school.

It is not ok that our televisions are programmed to E but rarely CNN.

It is not ok that women earn 77 cents on the dollar to men's wages.

It is not ok that women are expected to want children.

It is not ok that songs encouraging body shaming are on the Top 40 (or play on the radio at all.)

It is not ok that our children can explain the Pythagorean Theorem but can not balance a checkbook.

It is not ok that young women look into mirrors and struggle to find something that they love about themselves.

It is not ok that we are taught to question the motives of those who need our help.

It is not ok that only 2 out of 100 rapists will ever serve time in jail.

It is not ok to make comments about mental illness such as, "I'm so bipolar today," or "She's a total schizo." 

It is not ok to be:  sexist, racist, homophobic, ablest, classist, or any other "ist" that may judge or discriminate another human being. 


Sunday, March 15, 2015

Poor Loaf of Bread

Well, it has definitely been a weekend to remember.  Anybody need some comic relief?

First of all, I had a pretty major surgery less than two weeks ago so I am on bed rest.  That being said, I am not a bed rest type of gal.  I'm a go getter... a shot caller... a boss (ok, that just seemed like the cool thing to say).  I like the feeling of accomplishment.  I like getting things crossed off of the proverbial to-do list.  Bed rest is not on said list.  Not now, not ever.

I think I am losing my mind.

I woke up on Friday with a burst of energy and a smile on my face.  The birds were chirping on the branches outside of my window (circa Snow White), my skin did not resemble a Walker for the first time in six months, and I could move without feeling like my insides were falling on the floor.  You're welcome.

Naturally, I did what a motivated mother of three would do... I got busy.  I vacuumed, did a few loads of laundry, cooked a nice dinner, and started a new craft project.  I laid down with a huge sense of accomplishment and a self-pat on the back and attempted to sleep. 


I tossed and turned all night and woke up with a very different feeling.  I was in severe pain, grouchy, exhausted, and hating life.  There were no singing birds, no sunshine, and no happy mommy.  In fact, my entire family hid from me all day.

Today I felt a little bit better so I decided that Taco Bell was not conducive to a healthy dinner and I better go grocery shopping.  I made it about half way around the store before I felt like I was going to die.  I was offered one of those electric shopping carts, which I vehemently denied... I refuse to be the fat girl riding on the electric cart! 

I got the groceries home and had the boys unload them.  Big mistake.  Huge.

It was a frenzy.  Food was flying everywhere.  Bags were torn open, snacks were fought over, it was ugly.  The only thing missing was the Australian documentarian in the background.

"And sneaking up on the oldest male we have the tiny one, outwitting the muscle bound elder siblings.  He swoops in while the teenagers engage in physical confrontation and snatches the food right out from under them!"

The food was put away and Supermom baked a homemade batch of sugar cookies.  I thought I was in the clear to take a nap.  Uh-Oh.  Supermom underestimated the male cubs.

I woke up from a brief, 45 minute nap to find:

*the Rubbermaid container that USED to contain one dozen cookies intended to be taken to my mother completely empty
*the sink full of dirty dishes
*the dogs running amok
*the tiny male playing a rated M video game
*the oldest male in Waldport with friends
*the middle male playing innocent

I will keep my reaction short but I will inform you that it included me:  asking for explanations and getting, "I don't know," breaking out in hives, discovering that many of the new shopping items were eaten by the den, and kicking a loaf of bread (don't ask).

I kicked a loaf of bread.  Really.


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

I'm Back (and a lil' rusty)

Well, it has been a whirlwind year for me and my lil' family.  We have had several health scares and surgeries, travels, new friendships, lost friendships, a return to college, and an upcoming high school graduation.  I like to keep my private life well, private and consider myself an extremely introverted person despite the fact that I write about nearly everything that happens to my family!

If given the choice between watching a movie at home cuddled up in a blanket or bar crawling with a large group of friends, I will always ask you your favorite tea flavor and buttered or plain popcorn.  That's just who I am. 

For years I tried to fight this natural instinct and consistently went out, tried new restaurants, knew all of the trendy little neighborhoods, and bragged about meeting the up and coming artists.  It was fun, I won't deny that but it wasn't me.

As hard as it is, I am facing the fact that I am getting older.  I am almost forty *cough* and am facing a lot of life changes.  My oldest son is graduating high school and moving on to pursue his own goals and aspirations, my middle son is a teenager and never home because he is consistently participating in sports and school activities, and my baby (who would die if he knew that I was calling him that) is growing up and becoming independent in his own way. 

I am spending a lot more time alone and learning to enjoy it.  I am occupying my time with drawing, mixed media, journaling, reading, and spending time with my mother.  I find myself growing closer and closer to my own mother.  She is the most beautiful, radiant woman I have ever seen.  Now, I know that everybody says that but I truly mean it.  She has all of the physical attributes that I would like to have... she is a natural redhead, has nearly a million freckles, and sea blue eyes.  People pay for her natural beauty!  Beyond that, she is wise beyond her years and more giving than anybody I have ever met.  She will drop everything if she has the slightest inkling that you need help (this happened just yesterday when she thought that I had split one of my staples).  I hope that one day my own children lean on me just as I lean on her.

It's kind of funny when you take a chance to look back.  As a teenager, older (wiser) people would tell me that I would have a family of my own and ask my mother for advise and I thought that they needed to be committed!  Now that my life has come full circle, I can not believe how much I have changed and how much I have learned.

I have a lot left to learn, continue to learn daily, and am so incredibly happy with where life has taken me.  I will continue to be open to suggestions and look forward to teaching my children the things that my mother has taught me.


Wednesday, September 17, 2014


It has been quite a while since I have blogged.  To be quite honest, I have had a hard time finding the motivation.  There is a lot of change occurring in my personal life and I have been making some life altering decisions.

My mother means the world to me.  She has taught me so many things over the years;  I have learned from her wisdom and her mistakes.  She has always been more than willing to admit to her mistakes and allow me to use them as stepping stones to a better future.  She is not perfect and has never claimed to be but, she is the perfect mother for me.  As I sit back and count my blessings that I have been blessed with a mother who has stood by me through thick and thin, I can not excuse those who have chosen to dishonor and disrespect their mother... especially when she is also my mother.  I hope that you take a long look in the mirror and realize that the person that you are is not the person who you claim to be and that you do so before it is too late.
My children are my world.  They brighten even the darkest day and always manage to put a smile on my face.  I am facing a huge change in all of our lives.  My oldest is planning his life- he is ready to graduate high school and forge a future for himself.  He has always had a warm heart and an old soul and the house will feel very empty without him.  My middle son just started high school.  He is finding his way;  he is smart, athletic, and witty.  He has a very bright future ahead of him and I am filled with pride every time I think about what he might choose for himself.  My youngest and I are on a different journey together.  I have decided that we will try home schooling this year.  He misses a substantial amount of school every year due to medical issues so, in order to ensure that he does not fall behind I chose to home school.  We are working on finding a balance between mommy and teacher but I am excited for this transition. 

Oregon has become our home.  We have been here for three years and have become:  organic eating, recycling, cable tv-free, hiking, outdoorsy, fishing Oregonians!  We are incredibly blessed and despite the obstacles that we encounter, we recognize that we have a small group of people around us who enrich our lives and bring us joy. 

Monday, August 4, 2014


Mistakes are just stepping stones put in your way in order to help you get to where you need to be.  You can either trip over them and get discouraged or you can move on and get closer to your destination.

I admittedly have made a lot of mistakes in my life.  People say that they do not regret their mistakes... that's bull.  We all regret our mistakes or else they would not be mistakes.  Some of us just choose to use them as a means for growth rather than a pity play.

I have destroyed relationships.  Some of which mean a great deal to me and some I may never be able to repair.  I regret those decisions every day.  There were beautiful people in my life who I pushed away or hurt with my razor blade tongue merely because I hadn't dealt with my personal struggles. 

I have always been the girl who "leaped before she looked" and didn't consider consequences to be of importance.  That being said, I have a few relationships under my belt that probably never should have happened.  These relationships and friendships did not end well but taught me a lot about myself.

I refuse to allow the mistakes of my past define who I am now.  I regret some of those mistakes and wish that I could take them back and take back the pain that I caused the people that I loved.  My reality is that I probably can not.  I can only hope that one day the people that I hurt will realize that it was unintentional.  I was in a dark, ugly place in my life and took them with me.

I would love to say that I have learned from all of my mistakes and will never make them again but this too is unrealistic.  We all make mistakes.  We all regret.  'Tis life.

I am choosing to be happy.  I am choosing the light.

I now have a man who loves me unconditionally and thinks the world of me and my kids.  He is lovely.  Just plain lovely.  I wake up every day to a forehead kiss and snuggles and the simple statement, "Good morning beautiful."  I have never felt so complete.

My children are healthy and happy and enjoy spending "family time."  We have three beautiful fur babies who top off our perfect little family. 

Rather than focus upon the negativity of my past, I am moving forward... following the light that now leads my life.  I hope that one day I can right all of the wrongs of my past;  that would make my new life absolutely ideal.  For now, I accept who I have become and where I have come from and love everybody in my life... myself first and foremost.