Saturday, April 19, 2014

So I Clean

I'm a mess.  I am chaotic and scrambled and forgetful and spontaneous and disorganized and overwhelmed and over thought and a complete fucking mess.

My head is dirty, disorganized, and sloppy.  This is why I clean.  I clean to rid myself of the mess in my head.  I clean to bring some sense of control to the chaos.  I clean in order to forget the inevitable.  I clean so that I can appear to have my shit together.

I separate the clothes.  Denim with denim, towels with towels, whites with whites.  I even make my own fucking laundry soap... seriously?  So I wash the perfectly separated laundry in the perfect temperature water (don't forget that whites are washed in hot water with bleach so that they come out sparkling clean and the kids go to school with the gleaming white socks that nobody ever sees).  Then I dry the perfectly cleaned laundry (but not the linen blouses or certain cotton shirts, the dryer will shrink them) and then I fold them quickly so that they don't wrinkle.  I fold them and put them in piles according to person... smallest to largest, room by room.  The perfection of this process declutters some of the brain.

The bedroom has to be clean.  If the bedroom is clean, you might be able to get a new day.  I make the bed... perfectly tucked army corners, perfectly even on all four corners, fluffed pillows and perfectly placed throw pillows.  The shoes must always be placed in the closet where they belong and the floor must always be vacuumed.  Making the bed eliminates the bad dreams and memories of yesterday- it's hope for a fresh start.

I mop the floors.  I sweep away the thoughts and then I mop up the mess.  I mop and I mop until the mess is gone.  Every little speck and every little crumb is a thought that I have to eliminate so I mop and scrub and sweep and mop and scrub and sweep them all away. 

If my obsessive cleaning gets rid of the clutter, mess, and dirt in my house, why doesn't it work for the messy thoughts in my head? 

How do I clean and rid myself of the chaos inside my head?


Saturday, April 12, 2014

I Need...

I need coffee shops that serve chai tea, self folding clothes dryers, and music that makes me dance.

I need pizza that burns calories, sand between my toes, and flowers that bloom in the winter.

I need fuss-free beauty, linen that feels soft on my skin, and products that don't test on animals.

I need a refrigerator full of Perrier, timeless shoes, and an endless bookshelf.

I need soft kisses in the morning, "I miss you texts" in the afternoon, and cuddles in the evening.

I need yoga pants, funny socks, and hoodies to keep me warm.

I need beach trips for no reason, mountain hikes for fresh air, and movie nights for relaxing.

I need a job that I love, three boys to come home to, and a man who understands me.

I need bohemian dreams, a hippie heartbeat, and a gypsy soul.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Strip Me Down

I am my most vulnerable, most genuine self when I am completely naked... I am also my most tenacious, most fierce self.

Strip me of my make-up, hair products, and accessories and I am naked. Fresh faced, freckled, and flawed... every wrinkle, every blemish, and every uneven skin spot is on display for the world to see.  I cannot hide my years underneath anti-aging cream and I cannot hide my thinning eyelashes underneath a layer of mascara.  Everything is transparent.  All of my laugh lines are visible and they are beautiful, they make me giddy because I know that I got them from laughter... those lines were formed from happiness.  Without mascara and eyeliner, my eyes are completely naked.  They have their own vocabulary and if you look into them... really pay attention, you will learn everything you ever wanted to know about me.  Allowing others to see you as you really are is a beautiful gift and only the strongest people can let their guard down and surrender themselves to absolute vulnerability.

Strip me of my clothes and my physical body is naked... naked and powerful.  Strip me of my blouse and you will see stretch marks and scars on my stomach.  Strip me of my pants and you will see that my thighs touch.  I used to feel self conscious and intimidated while naked, but I never will again.  There is so much beauty and inspiration that comes from witnessing the naked form.  Painters, sculptors, photographers, writers, ALL artists revel the naked body.  Surely there is power in nudity! My naked body is beautiful, feminine, soft, and powerful.  This naked body created, carried, and birthed three amazing boys.  This naked body can seduce and mesmerize in only a moment.  This naked body inspires poetry and love beyond measure.

Strip me down and you will see the truth.  Strip me down and you will see laughter and joy.  Strip me down and you will see strength beyond measure... a fierceness that is undeniable.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Friday's Letters

Dear Sarah,

You are going to love and you are going to lose.  Both are ok as long as you learn from the experiences, good and bad.  Never leave a situation ignorantly.

Your children are your biggest blessings and your biggest trials.  If you are not struggling daily to teach them life lessons, ensure that they earn everything that they are given, are respectful, and treat women like ladies, you aren't trying hard enough.

Do not burn bridges... you never know when you may need a safe crossing to the next chapter in your story.

Read often.

Keep a journal.  Your thoughts and experiences will be forgotten if they are not put into writing.

Maintain contact with your closest friends.  Over the years they will help you through some of your biggest challenges.

Do not judge others.  We all have trials and demons that others do not understand.  The only time you should look down upon somebody else is if you are putting your hand out to help them up.

Always listen to your mother.

Have patience with yourself... if you keep knocking on those doors, the right one will open for you.

Never give up on love.  Your heart is a gift- one day the one who is worthy of unlocking it will ask you for the key.  Do not let the mistakes of the past influence your chance at a beautiful future.

Love yourself first and foremost.  Everything else comes secondary.


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Free Spirit

I have already published this but it was picked up by Be You Media Group (an online magazine) and I am over the moon about it!  Sooooo, I am republishing it here!

The Free Spirit

She may be wandering the beach looking for agates or scribbling a few notes in her journal, but she is not sitting still.  She doesn't know how.  She's a free spirit and the one thing you should never, ever do is marry her.

A free spirit will grab an overnight bag with a toothbrush, a change of clothes, and a couple bucks and drive to the city and wander the mall or into the mountains to take pictures of the stars.  If you question her spontaneity, you will break her spirit.

One of these girls will change her style almost daily.  Today she wears classy black heels, a professional pencil skirt, and a white blouse but tomorrow she wears blue jeans, a tank top, and flip flops, and next week she will wear a swing dress and ruby red lipstick.  A free spirit needs freedom with her choices.  She needs an eclectic closet- it matches her soul. 

She will drive you crazy on date night.  Don't marry this one... she takes forever to make up her mind!  You will want to take her to dinner and a movie, this will bore her.  She wants a spontaneous drive down the coast, a fishing trip, surfing, or a hike and a picnic.

A free spirit is nothing but trouble.  She speaks her mind and doesn't mind what she speaks.  She will not be insulted, disrespected, or demeaned.  She has strong beliefs and even stronger morals and will fight for what she believes.  If you tell her that she belongs in the kitchen, you better not eat what she cooks for dinner! 

A free spirit will always live in the moment and will not be tamed.  Do not marry a free spirit... she is a beautiful woman with a head full of dreams and will stop at nothing to make them come true.  She will dance in the rain in her bare feet and make pancakes for dinner.  She will lose track of time, read an entire book in one day, and drag you out of the house just to watch the sunset.

The only time that you should marry a free spirit is if you are a free spirit.  You can not tame a free spirit, you can only run wild with her.  Your creativity will spark her creativity and your spontaneity will rival hers.  You can only love her if she opens up to you and if she does, she will give you her everything.  All that she is will be yours and her indecisive, chaotic, free spirit will enchant you. 
The result with be unrivaled beauty.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Waves

There is a tumultuous current deep inside of me, changing with every ebb and flow.
I house a thousand dreams, all different, all beautiful- creatures so elusive that the best of hunters can not catch them.
I will tear you apart, breaking you into a million shards, leaving only the sinking pieces of what you used to be.
You will live underneath everything that was familiar to you... nothing will be the same and although you will be destroyed, you will beg to stay there.
You will scatter among the ledges and rocks of me and each shard will live peacefully among the dreams that I keep.
You will become ensnared in the traps of my eyes and trapped in the waves of my emotions.
They will be calm and tumultuous simultaneously- entrancing you in mystery.
Breathing me in will become your necessity, the scent of my body will captivate your spirit.
You will become lost in me and no compass will ever save you.
The deep blue within me is where you will want to stay. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

Wake Up, Kick Ass, Repeat.

I never realized how important it is to nourish my soul just as much as I nourish my body.  Feeding my soul with warmth, positivity, and love is so crucial to my well being and relationships.

"You have to grow from the inside out.  None can teach you, none can make you spiritual.  There is no other teacher but your own soul."
-Swami Vivenkananda

Today I want to focus my attention upon learning how to give no fucks.  Yup, I just went there. 

I have a really hard time with this concept.  I struggle with forming my self perception around what others' perception of me is.  That's sad, isn't it?

Honestly, isn't perception merely a question of morality?  One's perception of others is determined by their moral fortitude (or lack thereof).  If you consistently spend your time judging others and their decisions or gossiping about them, you are only decreasing your moral fortitude. 

Imagine how many more scientists, geniuses, writers, musicians, artists, feminists, and activists there would be if people were built up rather than torn down.  If we consistently complimented each other and focused upon building each other's confidence, this world would be much more beautiful.  It would be full of artists and troubadours, writers and scientists, dancers and dreamers.

Hmmm... a world with positivity and light- not a bad place to live, right?

So this Soul Food Monday is all about me learning how to give no fucks.  I am going to focus upon being a kick ass writer, a great painter, a fantastic mother, a loving daughter, a doting girlfriend, and a hard worker. 

My perception of me is that I ROCK.  The end.

"If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite."
-William Blake