Monday, August 4, 2014


Mistakes are just stepping stones put in your way in order to help you get to where you need to be.  You can either trip over them and get discouraged or you can move on and get closer to your destination.

I admittedly have made a lot of mistakes in my life.  People say that they do not regret their mistakes... that's bull.  We all regret our mistakes or else they would not be mistakes.  Some of us just choose to use them as a means for growth rather than a pity play.

I have destroyed relationships.  Some of which mean a great deal to me and some I may never be able to repair.  I regret those decisions every day.  There were beautiful people in my life who I pushed away or hurt with my razor blade tongue merely because I hadn't dealt with my personal struggles. 

I have always been the girl who "leaped before she looked" and didn't consider consequences to be of importance.  That being said, I have a few relationships under my belt that probably never should have happened.  These relationships and friendships did not end well but taught me a lot about myself.

I refuse to allow the mistakes of my past define who I am now.  I regret some of those mistakes and wish that I could take them back and take back the pain that I caused the people that I loved.  My reality is that I probably can not.  I can only hope that one day the people that I hurt will realize that it was unintentional.  I was in a dark, ugly place in my life and took them with me.

I would love to say that I have learned from all of my mistakes and will never make them again but this too is unrealistic.  We all make mistakes.  We all regret.  'Tis life.

I am choosing to be happy.  I am choosing the light.

I now have a man who loves me unconditionally and thinks the world of me and my kids.  He is lovely.  Just plain lovely.  I wake up every day to a forehead kiss and snuggles and the simple statement, "Good morning beautiful."  I have never felt so complete.

My children are healthy and happy and enjoy spending "family time."  We have three beautiful fur babies who top off our perfect little family. 

Rather than focus upon the negativity of my past, I am moving forward... following the light that now leads my life.  I hope that one day I can right all of the wrongs of my past;  that would make my new life absolutely ideal.  For now, I accept who I have become and where I have come from and love everybody in my life... myself first and foremost.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014


Is it all right to admit to ourselves that we don't have our shit together?  Do we appear less "put together" if we fall apart once in a while?  Will I miss out on my Mother of the Year award if my kids aren't perfect or they eat peanut butter sandwiches for dinner occasionally?

If we took a look at our Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter accounts wouldn't we all be Mary Poppins?  I mean seriously, the shit that we choose to post for our supposed "friends" to see is all sunshine and roses, isn't it?

Today I woke up, took the dogs for a walk, mixed up some delicious fruit smoothies for the boys' breakfast, read a book while drinking coffee, and took a selfie (completely unedited of course)... all by ten o'clock.

Then I threw some chicken in the crock pot, took the boys to the beach, came home, washed, folded, and put away all dirty laundry, mopped the kitchen, scrubbed the bathroom, and took some time to myself... some more reading.  This was all done by four o'clock.

By five o'clock my alone time is complete and I am super excited about cooking a nutritious meal for my family.  I pull the chicken out of the crock pot, shred it, add spinach, kale, onions, and Cotija cheese (but only a little bit... cheese isn't very healthy) and roll it all up into whole wheat tortillas.  I put them in a baking dish with light enchilada sauce (homemade of course) and bake a healthy twist on enchiladas.  I then construct a lovely salad full of colorful vegetables and decide to bake a blueberry crisp from the berries that I handpicked the week before.

The boys are thrilled with dinner and dessert and have no problem doing the dishes for me because I have worked so hard to make them happy all day.  They clean the kitchen, put away their laundry, and then we top the night off with a carefully chosen family movie... Despicable Me 2.

Aahhh... I had a lovely day (as I do everyday).  According to Facebook.

Do I dare tell you how the story really went?

I wake up with my alarm at 7am, grumble, and fall back asleep.  Trystan comes into the bedroom at about 8:30am and says, "Mom!!  Wake up... what are we gonna do today?"  Really?  It's my day off and I'm exhausted. 

"Five more minutes Trystan."
"But Mom, I'm hungry and you promised that we'd do something fun today."

I yell for Aidan and ask him to make Trystan a bowl of cereal.

I rise out of bed, curse the sunlight, and start the Keurig (bless you coffee genius who manufactured the one cup of Heaven machine).  I then retreat to the restroom to sit in peace for five minutes and check Facebook. 

It is on Facebook that I find the smiling faces and inspirational quotes of all of my "friends."  Not to be outdone, I too post an inspirational, "Good morning, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, I am so blessed," quote and flush the toilet.

I take the dogs for a walk (let them out into the backyard to do their business), and break up a war over the XBox.  I throw some chicken breasts into the crock pot and direct everybody to take a shower. 

Trystan:  "But Mom, I took one the other day."
Aidan:  "Mom, I'm tired.  Get out of my room."
Noah:  "Uugghhhhh."  (Goes back to sleep.)

I decide that I will take the boys to the beach.  That will ensure that I still get my Mother of the Year Award!  We load into the car, which takes a minimum of thirty minutes.  We arrive at the beach and I ask Aidan to carry Trystan down the hill that takes us to the sand.  He drags him by the arm, Trystan whining the entire time.  Noah spends the entire time on his IPhone, Aidan kicks sand in my eye (accidentally on purpose), and Trystan whines because the sand is hot.  I take some pictures for Facebook.

The above pictures are captioned, "Having a BLAST at the beach with my boys!  :-)

I contemplate scrubbing the bathroom... it doesn't happen.

I throw some laundry in the washer, knowing that it is going to end up in the "fold tomorrow" basket.

I make my healthy chicken enchiladas, simply to disguise the green vegetables in chicken and cheese so that I do not have to hear the kids complain, "I don't like kale."  The blueberry crisp will wait until tomorrow.

It's time to do the dishes.  I ask the boys who is doing which job and they all join in a competitive game of "Nose Goes."  Aidan loses and the argument begins.  

"I did it last time."
"You're so lazy."
"Well, you never do anything."
"I'm not unloading the dishwasher again."
"Why do you have to be such a jerk?"

I then assign jobs, and I become the jerk.

It is now eight o'clock and bedtime... for me.  I plug in Despicable Me 2 and tell Trystan that after it is over, he has to go to bed.  I tell Aidan to let the dogs in and make sure that all the lights are off.  I go to my room, open my book, read a few pages, and pass out.

My Facebook story and reality are somewhat the same, aren't they?

Friday, July 18, 2014

Friday's Letters!

Dear Dutch Brothers,
You make my 4am wake up calls somewhat tolerable.  Without you I would:  freeball it (solely because I forgot my undies), wear mismatched socks, bite the heads off of innocent bystanders, and fall off of my broom on my way to work!  Thank you.

Dear Cassie,
Thank you so much for thinking about me.  You are lovely.

Dear Colt and Drew,
We are like the Three Musketeers... except misbehaved!  We are a fierce, hair-tossing, blanket-sharing, f-bomb dropping, badass trio of divas- watch out world!

Dear Mandy,
Thank you for capturing the words that I could not find.  I will forever treasure my soul reading.  A million times... thank you.

Dear Kie,
You are beautiful and I have no idea how you put up with me but I am so glad that you do!

Dear Malaysian Airlines Fight 17 families,
I wish that I had the words to express my sorrow for your loss.  I can not even begin to say that I understand what you might be feeling;  I have a powerful feeling of sadness today.  My thoughts are with each and every one of you.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Labyrinth of Thoughts

How do I silence the random labyrinth of thoughts that chase each other around in my head?  I have fifty brilliant thoughts at any given time but not one that is noteworthy.  I want to write something beautiful and inspiring but instead create nothing but meaningless gibberish so I remove the pen from the paper and crumble airplanes that don't even fly.  Maybe I think too hard?  Maybe I try too hard?  Maybe if I just write and don't think about it or second guess myself then something brilliant and inspiring will just "happen," you know, like spontaneous combustion or evolution.  That's it!  Maybe an inspiring thought will just evolve from all of this random bullshit that streams through my consciousness all day long.  Maybe a combination of my daily sights, conversations, readings, and inspirations will explode into something worthy of jotting down... like a chemist combining just the right elements into a beaker!  I feel like any minute now something incredible and inspiring and creative and reflective is going to just explode onto my paper... 
or not.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Pancakes in Pajamas

I fall into dark, lonely places that harbor only mistakes and broken promises.  I fall like Alice- quickly and fiercely and without warning- except my rabbit hole doesn't have cute little tea cups and furry little animals.  My rabbit hole contains the mistakes of my past, images of people I hoped to never see again, and nightmares.  I am jealous of Alice;  that bitch got forest creatures and vivid colors and I get darkness.

I am joyous.  I break out into ridiculous, spontaneous song and dance routines.  Sometimes I am a bubble gum pop queen, singing about love and summer time and sometimes I am a crooning diva, singing about the men who love me and the women who hate me.  I am beautiful and confident and leave spring daffodils and fall leaves in my wake.

I bathe in moonlight and rinse with champagne.  I captivate and lure;  I entice and haunt.  I will mystify you with my siren song and seduce you with my eyes of amber.  One taste of the arch of my back and the ridge of my collarbone will have you hooked- I am honeysuckle and lace... black coffee and leather.

I am a scholar.  I attend the school of hard knocks daily- I received my bachelors degree in foolishness, my masters' in mistakes, and am working on my doctorate in apologies.  I am a roller coaster... I will twist and turn you until your head spins and you are sent reeling out of confusion.  I will flip you upside down until your stomach is sick and you puke regret.  I will take you on your highest of highs and once you can not take the anticipation any longer... I will drop you.  As frightening as I am, you will ride over and over again.

I am depression and I am joy.  I am sex and I am regret.  I am lovely, beautiful, hilarious, hideous, and mysterious.  I am all of these things and more. 

I am pancakes in pajamas on a Sunday morning and I am a suit, tie, and carpool on Monday. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Don't Worry!

Well, today I turn one year older and I thought that it would bother me... one step closer to heading over that proverbial hill.  It doesn't though.  I am feeling full of love and light and blessings today!  I really couldn't ask for more in my life.  I have a family that loves me unconditionally, friends who stand by me through thick and thin, a job that I love, the sun in my face, and wind at my back.  What a beautiful life!

That being said, I want to vow to stop worrying about a few things.  There are things that I can change and things that I can not so, why waste the time and energy worrying about them?  Here's my list...

#1:  Laugh lines:  They call them laugh lines for a reason!  If you have laugh lines like me, consider yourself blessed.  This merely means that there were things in your life that made you happy- happy enough to laugh out loud, cry a little, hell... maybe even pee a little!  They left a permanent record of wonderful times on your face.  Enjoy them!

#2:  The past:  The past is the past.  You can't change it so why worry about it?  Hell, maybe you learned a lesson or two along the way!

#3:  Forgetting your phone at home:  Remember the old days when we had no cell phones?  We survived just fine... don't worry about your phone!  People will survive if you can't read their Facebook posts right away, I promise!

#4:  Fitting in:  We're not in high school anymore guys.  Trust me, it is so much more fun to be yourself.  Let your freak flag fly!  Wear Crocs, dye your hair fuchsia,  read books, stay home on a Saturday night, kiss your lover in public, and eat that second cookie.  You only live once and trust me... none of us are getting out of this alive.

#5:  Things will go wrong:  The car will break down, the dog will dig out of the back yard, the toilet will overflow, and it will rain during an outdoor party... oh well.  You can't plan for everything and nothing is perfect.  Improvise and enjoy the imperfections.

#6:  Zits:  Yes, they are ugly.  Yes, they are annoying.  Guess what... if you still get them, you still have youthful skin!  Count your lucky stars and thank those pesky zits!  You are still a spring chicken so use a cleanser and toner and go about your business!

#7:  Body functions:  Guess what... we all poop.  It happens.  We fart.  We poop.  We burp.  Now that I've put that on paper, let's move on.

#8:  Being perfect:  Ever heard of airbrushing?  Those super models in fashion magazines are airbrushed.  They don't even resemble themselves so how can you?  Stop trying to have the Kim Kardashian butt, the Carrie Underwood hair, or the Angelina Jolie lips.  Accept who you are and what you look like.  The sooner you learn to love your self, the sooner you can live a happy, healthy life and genuine happiness is so worth it.  I promise.

#9:  Bills:  The bills are going to keep coming in... they are relentless!  Pay what you can, make arrangements, be responsible, and do the best that you can do.  The bills aren't going anywhere!  Don't lose sleep because you haven't paid off your student loan yet... make your payments and enjoy a good night's sleep.

#10:  Looking stupid:  Sing Karaoke.  Sleep naked.  Dress up on Halloween.  Buy those blue suede shoes.  Trust me, nobody really cares if you make a fool out of yourself while dancing... in fact, they are probably jealous because they don't have the nerve to let loose a little.  Be yourself!  Do silly dances that don't match the rhythm of the song... maybe you will inspire someone else to have some fun. 

Lastly, don't worry about your age or your birthdays.  Just look at it as, "Another year wiser."  Enjoy life to the fullest because after all, you are only this age once.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Disco Dancing Flamboyant Army of One

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."  Martin Luther King Jr.

Religious Discrimination
Body Shaming
Writing about hate and hate crimes is not new... it's been happening for nearly a century and hate crimes have happened since early civilization with the persecution of Christians in the Roman Empire.  The first investigation into a hate crime occurred during WWI when the Klu Klux Klan (KKK) marched in Washington D.C. and murdered black and white civilians; hate crimes are nothing new.
What is new is the types of hate crimes.  People are more open with their sexualities, religious beliefs, political affiliations, and bodies and doing so has opened up new doors for hate.  Racism, sexism, and religious persecution are not alone now.  We now have body hate, homophobia, and transphobia and the crimes range from bullying to murder.  The worst part is that the hate starts at a much earlier age- elementary school, junior high school, and high school.

People do not choose their sexual orientation, race, sex, or body type.  Period.

Homosexuality, bisexuality, transexuality, etc. are targets for more and more hate groups as of late.  Non-heterosexual couples are gaining the freedom to marry in many states and have received backlash, boycotts, lawsuits, and violent attacks allover the country.  This month alone NOM (National Organization for Marriage) filed three different continuances in the Oregon Supreme Court in an attempt to stop the legalization of same-sex couple marriages.  Why?  What would such an organization gain from preventing two people who love each other from getting married?  Why would they care?  

I can promise (from first hand experience) that homosexual, bisexual, and transexual couples do not want to "convert" anybody to their sexual preference.  They will not come onto you in a public setting, they will not sexually harass you, and they do not have a hidden agenda to convert your children into homosexual minions who will take over the world.  They simply want to be left alone and to have the same freedoms that every other human being has been allowed for centuries.  In fact, I'm going to share a little secret... they want the same thing that heterosexuals all around the world want- to be happy.  Hard to believe isn't it?  I know, I know... it's so much easier to hate them when you believe that they are sexually harassing you and forming a rainbow farting, glitter throwing, disco dancing flamboyant army!

Time Magazine recently released an issue with Laverne Cox, the first black trans-gender female celebrity, on the cover.  The issue discusses the many difficulties that a trans-gender person faces on a daily basis.  There has been a large rallying of support for Laverne and the trans-gender cause but there has also been a lot of backlash.  Many people have spewed hate regarding the cover and several stores have refused to carry the magazine at all.  (After all, the trannies may get them in their sleep!)

"There’s not just one trans story. There’s not just one trans experience. And I think what they need to understand is that not everybody who is born feels that their gender identity is in alignment with what they’re assigned at birth, based on their genitalia. If someone needs to express their gender in a way that is different, that is OK, and they should not be denied healthcare. They should not be bullied. They don’t deserve to be victims of violence … That’s what people need to understand, that it’s okay and that if you are uncomfortable with it, then you need to look at yourself." - Laverne Cox

Hate can only be cured with one thing... education.  The more you attempt to learn about those around you, the more you fill your mind with education, and the less room you will have for hate.  I am in love with the idea that one day nobody will ever say the word, "Faggot."  I am in love with the idea that one day children will be taught by their parents that it is ok to be different and that differences fuel beauty.  I am in love with the idea that one day there will be no need to have discussions about sexuality because it will no longer be an issue.  I am in love with the idea that one day nobody will ever have to "come out" and I am in love with the idea that one day every couple will be able to openly walk down the street hand in hand without fear of retaliation.
Hate has to stop.  We have to hit a breaking point where the differences between us only make us happier, healthier human beings.  We have to allow each other to be comfortable in our own skin and to not have to pretend to be someone we are not.

Until then, I will continue to speak out, I will continue to love who I choose, and I will continue to preach against hate.  I will happily form a glitter throwing, rainbow farting army of one and you are more than welcome to join me.